Business Without the Bullsh*t Page 2

  Not surprisingly, visionaries are most commonly found inside high-tech and biotech firms. When they migrate into traditional industries, they usually end up returning to their original spawning ground.

  If you’re working for a visionary, be willing to drink the Kool-Aid, work ridiculously long hours, and listen to endless variations of “this product is going to change the WORLD.” If that’s your cup of tea, this type of boss can be a lot of fun, tantrums and all.

  2. THE CLIMBER

  Climbers are all about getting themselves promoted. As a general rule they’re interested in you as an employee only insofar as you can help or hinder their ascent to the corner office.

  Climbers are master politicians. They never have colleagues; only competitors. They spend endless time and effort figuring out how to win status, claim credit, and build alliances.

  With climbers you must be clear in your own mind that loyalty is simply not part of the relationship, and that you’ll be discarded faster than a month-old mackerel the second you make the climber look bad.

  With that proviso, if you’re working for a climber, do what you can to make him look good and (most important) be the person who has his back when his fellow climbers try to stab it.

  3. THE BUREAUCRAT

  Bureaucrats believe that their position and importance lies in an ability to make everything run by the book. They are resistant to change because they see the current situation (which is the one that put them in power) as the best of all possible worlds.

  In the olden days, bureaucrats used to love endless pages of paperwork. Today they love endless screens of online forms. They also love meetings, especially those that review and discuss the activities of others.

  Bureaucrats thrive inside what they like to call “large enterprises.” They falter in small firms because the lack of a crowd makes it too obvious that they aren’t really doing very much.

  Bureaucrats are predictable and easy to please. Document everything in detail and limit all your activities to what’s been done in the past, even if it no longer works. Warning: a bureaucrat boss can grind your creativity into dust.

  4. THE PROPELLERHEAD

  When engineers get into the management chain, they bring a technology-oriented worldview with them. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean you’ll be judged almost entirely on your technical competence.

  The propellerhead boss prefers employees who are experts in some technical field—the more obscure the better. They consider all nontechnical types (like MBA holders) equally stupid and useless.

  Don’t take offense if a propellerhead boss communicates with you primarily through e-mail, even if that boss has an office two cubicles away. Propellerheads tend to avoid people issues.

  The easiest way to get on the good side of a propellerhead is to become fluent in nerdy pop culture references. If possible, illustrate your business point by quoting lines from Star Trek or Star Wars.

  5. THE FOGEY

  These bosses have been around since the days when “secretaries” (whoever they were) used “typewriters” (whatever they were). Fogeys are simultaneously wise in the ways of the world and clueless about what’s actually going on.

  Fogeys who are close to retirement are often quite jovial and easy-going; those who must continue to work because they can’t afford to retire can be meaner than dyspeptic weasels.

  Working for a fogey requires the patience to listen to the same “war stories” multiple times. Don’t assume the duffer is a doofus, though. Fogeys can be surprisingly shrewd, especially when it comes to political infighting.

  Fogeys are mostly looking for two things: respect from the young’uns, and reassurance that they’re still relevant. They make great mentors, because they tend to be generous with their advice and time.

  6. THE WHIPPERSNAPPER

  The flip side of the fogey is the barely-out-of-college go-getter who’s assigned to manage a group of seasoned employees. Whippersnappers are energetic, enthusiastic, and secretly afraid that nobody is taking them seriously.

  Because that insecurity is so huge, follow two essential rules when working for whippersnappers: (1) respond positively to the energy they bring to their job; and (2) never, ever remind them of their relative inexperience.

  Needless to say, you may end up wasting time repairing problems generated by the whippersnapper’s inexperience. That’s fine, but remember to be enthusiastic about it! However, depending on your level of tolerance for the whippersnapper’s learning curve, you may want to consider finding work elsewhere.

  7. THE SOCIAL DIRECTOR

  Social directors see management as a community-building process. They consider the personal interactions that happen in the workplace as important as (and sometimes more important than) the actual work itself.

  Social directors always try to manage by consensus. They call a LOT of meetings and spend a LOT of time letting people air their opinions and ideas. They shy away from making decisions that might leave a team member “disappointed.”

  Working for a social director requires you to constantly build alliances and garner supporters. If you want a decision to be made, you’ll need to get everybody on the team to back it publicly.

  A word of warning: when it comes to handling their own emotions, social directors can be pressure cookers. They either let off steam through a series of hissy fits, or they suddenly explode. If it’s the latter, try to be elsewhere when it happens.

  8. THE DICTATOR

  This is the classic “It’s my way or the highway” boss. While most people find this management style grating, working for a dictator has some advantages. They make decisions quickly and efficiently, without over-analyzing everything.

  Another advantage of working for a dictator is knowing exactly where you stand. Why should your boss bother to stab you in the back when it’s more convenient to stab you in the front?

  Unfortunately, dictators tend to be impervious to outside opinion and brittle when it comes to change. When they fail (and they always fail eventually), it’s on a truly epic scale.

  The tricks to working for a dictator are (1) follow orders, (2) follow orders, and (3) be ready to jump to another job when you see the dictator driving your company (or your division) over the cliff.

  9. THE SALES STAR

  Selling is part of every job, and every boss should be able to sell his or her ideas up and down the management chain. The problem with this type of boss is that selling is the only thing he or she does well.

  These bosses are usually created when top sales professionals are promoted into management. This happens with fair frequency, despite the fact that managing people requires a different skill set than selling to customers.

  Sales star bosses tend to be self-motivated, aggressive, and good at building relationships, understanding needs, and generating workable solutions. That’s because they’re salespeople.

  Therefore, the way to deal with sales stars is to encourage them to sell! Bring them into situations where a deal must be closed, or terms negotiated. They’d really rather be getting their hands dirty (as it were) than managing people anyway.

  10. THE HATCHET MAN

  Hatchet men (or women) are brought into an organization to fire people as quickly as possible, usually to make the company more attractive to investors or position it for an acquisition.

  By the very nature of the job, such bosses aren’t likely to be filled with the proverbial milk of human kindness. Still, being human, they can’t resist euphemisms that cast their actions in a positive light (e.g., corporate triage and ventilating the firm).

  There are only two roles available for people who work for a hatchet man: henchman and victim. Ultimately the favored role, that of henchman, is temporary: they often get canned too.

  The best way to deal with a hatchet man is to be long gone by the time he arrives. This requires attention to the writing on the wall. For example, the moment you see the words private equity investment on an inte
rnal memo, your new job is finding a new job. (See “Secret 39. What to Do If There’s a Layoff.”)

  11. THE LOST LAMB

  Sometimes people who have no management talent end up in a position of authority. This generally happens when a manager leaves suddenly and top management needs somebody to hold the fort while it finds a replacement.

  Lost lambs have no idea what to do other than continue whatever policies and strategies were previously in place. They know they’re placeholders and dread doing anything that will be held against them once they’re pushed back into the ranks.

  What these bosses want is for you to move your projects forward without bringing ANY difficult decisions to them. They are, however, easily convinced to make minor decisions in your favor simply to keep you happy.

  The biggest danger with a lost lamb is that if you end up making the lamb too successful, top management may conclude that the temporary assignment should be permanent, and you’ll be saddled with the dead weight of the lost lamb for the foreseeable future.

  12. THE HERO

  There are indeed men and women in this world whose personalities and characters make them well suited to manage other people. They’re the fabled “natural leaders,” and they’re as rare as diamonds in dunghills.

  Heroes prefer to coach others than to do things themselves. They have a knack for figuring out exactly what their employees need in order to do a superlative job and then how to get that for them.

  Heroes always give their teams credit for the wins but take personal responsibility for the losses. They believe that “the buck stops here” not that “sh*t rolls downhill.”

  There are two problems with working for a hero. The first is that the hero will probably get promoted or be recruited to work elsewhere. The second is that once you’ve worked for a hero, it ruins your ability to work for a bozo.

  SHORTCUT

  THE TWELVE TYPES OF BOSSES

  VISIONARIES are inspiring assholes so drink the Kool-Aid.

  CLIMBERS want to get ahead so expect no loyalty.

  BUREAUCRATS hate change so document everything.

  PROPELLERHEADS love gadgets so become an expert.

  FOGEYS want respect so recruit them as mentors.

  WHIPPERSNAPPERS are insecure so be enthusiastic!

  SOCIAL DIRECTORS love consensus but may explode.

  DICTATORS make fast decisions but cause disasters.

  SALES STARS would rather be selling so let them sell.

  HATCHET MEN execute layoffs so leave now.

  LOST LAMBS need your help but may get dependent.

  HEROES are rare so enjoy them while it lasts.

  SECRET 2

  How to Keep Any Boss Happy

  Regardless of the type of boss you’re working with, they all want and need the same things. Unfortunately, bosses are not always all that good at articulating these needs, which is why I list them here—so you know what’s expected.

  1. KEEP YOUR PROMISES.

  Your boss wants to trust you. Really. Your boss wants to trust you to get your job done, so everyone else (including the boss) doesn’t get left in the lurch. That trust, however, is possible only if you keep your promises.

  Therefore, whenever you accept an assignment, follow through religiously, even fanatically. Do what you say you’re going to do. Never over-commit, and avoid hedging your bets with vague statements like “I’ll try” and “Maybe.”

  More than anything else, you want your boss to see you as reliable. When you make your word carry real weight, you lighten the load of worry upon your boss’s shoulders, making his or her job much easier.

  2. NO SURPRISES, EVER.

  What keeps every boss awake at night is the secret fear that employees are screwing up but aren’t saying anything about it, hoping that the disaster will go away before it becomes a train wreck.

  Even if you’re afraid some bad news might upset your boss, don’t wait until the last minute to deliver it. (Note, though, as explained below, your report of a problem should always include your best attempt at a solution.) This rule is essential when you’ve got the kind of boss who consistently “shoots the messenger” when surprised with bad news. To avoid “being shot,” give your boss constant updates on your projects before they metastasize into huge problems.

  3. TAKE YOUR JOB SERIOUSLY.

  Your boss doesn’t expect you to be perfect, but bosses appreciate employees who truly care about what they do and are willing to take the time to do a job well and thoroughly.

  Very few things irritate bosses more than employees who affect a flippant attitude toward work. Having a sense of humor about the problems you encounter is a good thing; making snarky remarks is not.

  Bosses are particularly annoyed by employees who treat work as an extension of their personal lives. I recently heard a story about an intern who thought it was appropriate to bring her boyfriend into the office to sit and talk with her as she worked. Ouch!

  4. ADVISE, THEN OBEY.

  When your boss needs to make a decision, he or she depends on you to provide advice and perspective, especially in areas that are in your particular bailiwick. Indeed, providing such advice is the best way for you to ensure that the best decision is made.

  When you see your boss about to make a foolish decision, it’s also your responsibility to attempt to convince him or her to make a better one. Make your best case, and express yourself clearly.

  However, once your boss has made a decision, stop second-guessing and do your best to implement it—regardless of whether you think that decision was the best one possible. After all, maybe your boss knows more than you do.

  5. PROVIDE SOLUTIONS, NOT COMPLAINTS.

  Nothing is more irritating (or more boring) to a boss than listening to somebody kvetch about things that either they’re not willing to change or are outside the boss’s ability to change.

  As a general rule, never bring up a problem unless you have a solution to propose or are asking for the boss’s advice. If the latter, take your boss’s advice without adding a “Yeah, but…” argument.

  If you’re proposing a solution, your boss would far prefer that the solution be something you plan on doing, rather than something you’d like the boss to do for you. Bosses hate it when employees “upwardly delegate.”

  6. COMMUNICATE CLEARLY.

  Bosses have neither the time nor the inclination to wade through piles of biz-blab, jargon, and weasel words. This is true even when bosses are themselves unable to communicate without using these verbal crutches.

  When dealing with your boss, speak and write in short sentences, use the fewest words possible to make a point, and make that point easily understandable. (See “Secret 29. Five Rules for Business Communication.”) When you communicate clearly, you not only make your boss’s job easier, you make it easier for your boss to communicate what you’re doing (and why) to other powers that be, such as the CEO.

  7. DO YOUR BEST WORK.

  Bosses expect you to do your absolute best at whatever job you undertake. They expect you to overcome obstacles and difficulties that would prevent most people from succeeding at your job.

  Fortunately, it’s very much in your own interest to excel at your job, because scuttlebutt travels so quickly. In today’s hyper-connected business world, everyone inside your company (and outside too) will eventually find out whether you do your job well.

  In the same way that the quality of a product creates that product’s brand image, the quality of your work creates your reputation. More important, that reputation—immortalized on the Web—now follows you around forever.

  8. MAKE YOUR BOSS SUCCESSFUL.

  Regardless of what it says on your job description, your real job is to make your boss successful. It doesn’t matter what type of boss you’re working for, rest assured that there are no exceptions to this rule.

  SHORTCUT

  MAKING YOUR BOSS HAPPY

  DO what you say you’ll do.

  KEEP your bos
s in the loop.

  CARE about your quality of work.

  ACCEPT decisions when they’re made.

  SOLVE problems without whining.

  BE concise and clear.

  DO the best work you can.

  IMPORTANT: Make your boss successful.

  SECRET 3

  How to Get the Best from Your Boss

  Now that you know what your boss expects of you, let’s examine how to put your boss to work for you by moving your career forward and looking out for your interests. Here’s how:

  1. EXPLAIN HOW YOU PREFER TO BE MANAGED.

  Sometime during your first conversations with your boss (and ideally before you agree to work for that boss), explain to that boss what kind of management style works best for you, personally.

  Deciding what works for you requires some self-reflection. If you’ve been in the workplace for a while, you may have been exposed to different management styles. If so, recall what management behaviors got your best work from you.

  If you’re starting out in business, draw from your educational experience. Which of your teachers really inspired you and why? Which of them were difficult to learn from?

  Another way to understand your preferences in this area is to ask yourself some questions: